To Count or Not to Count (Part II)

This is Part II of an exploration of what data does (or doesn’t) do for us. A very special thank you to some sober friends (

Maria Luz O'Rourke

,

Allison Deraney

, and

Ellie Nova

) who responded to a question about day counts a few weeks back. Thanks for the contributions, friends!

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“My day count is both meaningful and meaningless.

Meaningful when I look at the big picture. Those days mean a lot, because it has been a period when I have transformed, not just quit drinking. If I didn't have those days, they would have been wasted on stuff the authentic me cares little or nothing about.

On the other hand, they are meaningless in my day to day life, because I rarely think about how long it has been since I had a drink - I am too busy thinking about and doing other things!” —

Maria Luz O'Rourke

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I love this concept from

Maria Luz O'Rourke

that it is both meaningful and meaningless. It exists back then, as something that was the impetus for change, but it’s not something that requires effort or a fight today.

Today, I am thinking about data in terms of macros for this meal plan my husband and I are following (which I bitched about a few weeks ago).

And my question to myself, really, is do I give a shit about food, and if so, what is my goal?

The coaches did not at first tell us the macros because they wanted us just to focus on eating whole foods, etc. (and, as a mom of 8, I was obviously shocked to learn there are no omega-3’s in Goldfish crackers). In short, we were trying to learn — remember — how to eat real food, not just the shit we’ve been grabbing at while we have been in survival mode for the last all-of-our-adult-lives.

And, overall, this meal plan has been incredibly good for me : I have also had to evaluate my goals.

Why did I start doing this? And honestly it was a lot like drinking. We went two weeks following the meal plan to a T, then we had a cheat meal.

And when I had the cheat meal — which wasn’t even that bad, a gyro and some fries — I did think to myself, why are we doing this.

And so I investigate. And I remember : I don’t want to be driven by cheap dopamine hits from sugar or starches or whatever else.

Which is a funny goal because it’s easy to forget. Because, as noted, it’s cheap. And easy. And a whole lot quicker than therapy, working out, or patiently eating cruciferous vegetables.

As mentioned a million times before, those peanut butter M&Ms saved me in the early days. Or the burritos and seltzer water. Anything but a drink.

But here I am, beyond all that.

And wanting to make use of data as I did with my drinking.

So it starts like this : the generalized observation that maybe a change could be good. Eating whole foods sounds nice. I used to think that about sobriety : like something I could see other people doing.

Like, my god, those people eating quinoa bowls look so happy.

Then the bargaining. And to that extent, as I said before, no one ever ate too many cheeseburgers and accidentally slept with someone (to which, my first reader, my beloved husband, remarked, I don’t think you can know that for sure.)

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“I no longer count my days. I notice and celebrate the soberversary and definitely let myself relish when the years switch over. The comma club felt pretty amazing too.

But I have to admit that habitually tracking anything sort of traps me. I can easily get sucked back into compulsions and obsessive tendencies. It can be day counts, miles ran, step counts, macros managed, calories consumed, words written - when I double down on logging that stuff, I feel too itchy. Too uber focused so I get lost in the managing of it. Instead of the living it.” —

Allison Deraney

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This hits me so hard in terms of the macros.

I just want to feel good in my body. I want to eat when I’m hungry and stop eating when I’m full. How do I make data work for me, rather than getting, as

Allison Deraney

puts it so eloquently, "too itchy?”

As an aside, I also have a deep-in-my-bones- fear that what I really need to balance my central nervous system is to stop drinking the 4-6 cups of coffee I love in the morning. That maybe I am not a person meant to consume caffeine, mine is not a body that responds well to that stimulant, just as my body didn’t respond well to alcohol.

But ultimately I want to feel better in my skin. This far into my sobriety, I am able to deepen what I want out of life — I don’t want to just “get by.”

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“I counted days in the first year or so when I was quitting. Over that time I was going longer and longer stretches without drinking - up to 3 months. But once I found out I was pregnant in March 2020 that was it for me: the door completely closed and drinking would never be an option again. So I haven’t counted days since then - I just have a rough idea of years + months (so it’s 5.5 years for me now).

This is because I have absolutely no desire to drink, so staying sober requires no effort - I don’t have to think about it. I don’t take it one day at a time. I feel truly free. My gratitude for this is immeasurable!” —

Ellie Nova

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And my other “why?”

My children, always.

And the other thing : gratitude. To hold gratitude in my hands.

It is such insanity to me, that here in the now, I do have gratitude, that, while I am that I genuinely feel “hashtag blessed.”

I move through the world today with such freedom — drinking is just not something that I do anymore.

I have also been asking myself lately why am I writing — and it is to give hope, and voice, and to share — to carry the message, not to put too fine a point on it — that it isn’t just sobriety that we’ve achieved here — it’s freedom.

And so, who knows, maybe I will one day be casually and without thought, eating a quinoa bowl.