Love this brilliance. I’ve been pretty judgmental lately about someone who’s not staying in her lane—who’s actually veered into mine, dangerously close to running me off the road. Thanks for the reminder. I just need to either back up and let her pass, or speed up and stay ahead—but most of all, stay the fuck in my own lane, even if she’s out of hers.
Mannn, discerning whose lane is whose is so much of the work, too! Thank you for your comment and here’s hoping we can both recognize AND stay in our lanes 😂
I am at least getting more self aware of when I drift and swerve, so there’s that!
Totally get it—early on, I mistook every hallway for a shared space too. But after decades of renovation, I know which wing of the house is mine. I picked the paint, laid the floors, and paid the damn mortgage. So when someone moves into my foyer, I notice. 😉
Thank you for this Kristen. I had a lot of feelings come up when I read about Holly smoking weed - and noticed that most people in the comments were basically saying no-one is allowed to say anything other than 'yay you do you Holly!' A bit kiss-ass, as you say...
At the same time, like you did, I looked at what these thoughts and feelings were telling me about MYSELF. Our judgement of others is about us, not about them.
So my feelings of surprise, shock and disappointment... and yes, fear... told me, when I reflected on them, that I was thinking 'If Holly has given up on being with her feelings -which she has shared many times is the thing she needs to do, the thing she finds hardest - then what hope is there for me?' It made me feel afraid for myself. Like: god, maybe it is actually impossible to live your life without trying to use drugs of some kind to escape??
But then I reflect on whether that's true. Because Holly is not me. I am not Holly. And although I find being with my feelings very painful and difficult at times, and I definitely numb and distract myself (with fairly benign things like watching funny YouTube videos), I don't really relate to the absolute agony Holly has often described. The past few years she has seemed to be struggling with something like depression, I think... Which is not something I have experienced myself.
So all this to say - it's OK that we have our own feelings and opinions about this (despite what the Substack comments on Holly's post say), but to acknowledge that they are really useful and important messengers for ourselves so we can face our shadow parts, the parts we don't want to be with, and get to know ourselves even better, perhaps, than we had before.
Well done! I love this piece. So thoughtful and thought-provoking. I’ve experimented very lightly with kava and CBD (thx perimenopause) but don’t think I could make the jump to THC. But… yah, sometimes being SO PRESENT is shitty. And I also hate the kiss-ass culture around Holly. It’s our celebrity idolizations culture at its worst. 🙄
YES! Like okay yes, she is pretty cool and I definitely am guilty of fan-girling people who have had a profound impact on my life. But like, ffs. We are all only human. It’s like they think it’s going to give them a one-up with her. Agreed re: celebrity culture 🤮
This is a powerful piece of writing. You are thoughtful in naming the big, messy feelings that can arise around sobriety and why someone else’s choices in recovery can feel so personal. I, too, hold a healthy fear of relapse, and if I’m not careful, that fear can morph into judgment—especially when someone’s path looks different from mine.
As you so beautifully explain, we don’t know what’s going on inside anyone else. We each have to learn where our own line is, even when others who we respect draw theirs elsewhere. That can be especially hard for those of us in recovery who spent years ignoring our limits or not knowing where they were. Trusting yourself again, instead of looking to mirror yourself after others, after so many wrong turns is no small thing.
I err on the side of caution, staying well within the boundaries of hardline sobriety because I know my propensity to go too far if given even a small taste of mind altering substances. Maybe this is not trusting myself or maybe this is really knowing myself. I’m not sure. I’m open to this all changing one day as I evolve and continue to grow.
There are no easy answers here. Recovery is messy and hard. And you’ve done a beautiful job articulating why this conversation stirs such intense emotion and why. And why what other people are doing in their path of recovery really isn’t our business or for any of us to judge.
As someone with a mildly public persona myself, I have so many big feelings about the idea that People We Know for Something May Change.
I’m going to be writing about it more soon with my own personal story of change / changing my mind / becoming different versions of myself in the semi-public eye, but my absolutely distilled down take on how we all feel about it when people change in a major way from what we knew or loved or trusted of them is this: it’s about us. Every single time.
It’s about how they/their story made us feel, how we felt about ourselves feeling that way about them, and how the change also makes us feel.
It is truly not about them.
It’s judgement in one way or another, of ourselves, ultimately and deeply.
It makes us feel “duped” or “stupid” or “naive” perhaps to have “followed” or “trusted.” Then it makes us question our own judgment, and our own decisions about our lives and how we also assess people to whom we may lookup or whom we place on pedestals
At the end of the day, people changing from strong positions or points of view they once held stirs up feelings in us that of course “have to do with them,” but ultimately don’t and aren’t their responsibility.
My one caveat here is that I do think it is valid and important and thoughtful of the “public” person who changes a firm stance in a pretty major way to provide context and any possible story behind it.
They need not “explain themselves,” as we are all allowed to - and are going to - change in many ways in our lives.
But, it says that they care that their choices impact others for them to take the time to share about it, knowing that their former choices also impacted others in big ways.
When I read Holly’s piece, I felt disappointment and then thought, “welp, that’s her life.” And it cannot be easy to only be known for sobriety. It’s precarious.
Love this brilliance. I’ve been pretty judgmental lately about someone who’s not staying in her lane—who’s actually veered into mine, dangerously close to running me off the road. Thanks for the reminder. I just need to either back up and let her pass, or speed up and stay ahead—but most of all, stay the fuck in my own lane, even if she’s out of hers.
Mannn, discerning whose lane is whose is so much of the work, too! Thank you for your comment and here’s hoping we can both recognize AND stay in our lanes 😂
I am at least getting more self aware of when I drift and swerve, so there’s that!
Totally get it—early on, I mistook every hallway for a shared space too. But after decades of renovation, I know which wing of the house is mine. I picked the paint, laid the floors, and paid the damn mortgage. So when someone moves into my foyer, I notice. 😉
Thank you for this Kristen. I had a lot of feelings come up when I read about Holly smoking weed - and noticed that most people in the comments were basically saying no-one is allowed to say anything other than 'yay you do you Holly!' A bit kiss-ass, as you say...
At the same time, like you did, I looked at what these thoughts and feelings were telling me about MYSELF. Our judgement of others is about us, not about them.
So my feelings of surprise, shock and disappointment... and yes, fear... told me, when I reflected on them, that I was thinking 'If Holly has given up on being with her feelings -which she has shared many times is the thing she needs to do, the thing she finds hardest - then what hope is there for me?' It made me feel afraid for myself. Like: god, maybe it is actually impossible to live your life without trying to use drugs of some kind to escape??
But then I reflect on whether that's true. Because Holly is not me. I am not Holly. And although I find being with my feelings very painful and difficult at times, and I definitely numb and distract myself (with fairly benign things like watching funny YouTube videos), I don't really relate to the absolute agony Holly has often described. The past few years she has seemed to be struggling with something like depression, I think... Which is not something I have experienced myself.
So all this to say - it's OK that we have our own feelings and opinions about this (despite what the Substack comments on Holly's post say), but to acknowledge that they are really useful and important messengers for ourselves so we can face our shadow parts, the parts we don't want to be with, and get to know ourselves even better, perhaps, than we had before.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful response and I’m sorry it fell off my radar 🤦🏼♀️ I love this - holly is not me. I am not holly.
It’s both that simple and that complicated! 💕
Well done! I love this piece. So thoughtful and thought-provoking. I’ve experimented very lightly with kava and CBD (thx perimenopause) but don’t think I could make the jump to THC. But… yah, sometimes being SO PRESENT is shitty. And I also hate the kiss-ass culture around Holly. It’s our celebrity idolizations culture at its worst. 🙄
YES! Like okay yes, she is pretty cool and I definitely am guilty of fan-girling people who have had a profound impact on my life. But like, ffs. We are all only human. It’s like they think it’s going to give them a one-up with her. Agreed re: celebrity culture 🤮
I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have so many people have so many opinions on one’s choices. Great piece.
“Me staying in my lane.” Love it!
This is a powerful piece of writing. You are thoughtful in naming the big, messy feelings that can arise around sobriety and why someone else’s choices in recovery can feel so personal. I, too, hold a healthy fear of relapse, and if I’m not careful, that fear can morph into judgment—especially when someone’s path looks different from mine.
As you so beautifully explain, we don’t know what’s going on inside anyone else. We each have to learn where our own line is, even when others who we respect draw theirs elsewhere. That can be especially hard for those of us in recovery who spent years ignoring our limits or not knowing where they were. Trusting yourself again, instead of looking to mirror yourself after others, after so many wrong turns is no small thing.
I err on the side of caution, staying well within the boundaries of hardline sobriety because I know my propensity to go too far if given even a small taste of mind altering substances. Maybe this is not trusting myself or maybe this is really knowing myself. I’m not sure. I’m open to this all changing one day as I evolve and continue to grow.
There are no easy answers here. Recovery is messy and hard. And you’ve done a beautiful job articulating why this conversation stirs such intense emotion and why. And why what other people are doing in their path of recovery really isn’t our business or for any of us to judge.
As someone with a mildly public persona myself, I have so many big feelings about the idea that People We Know for Something May Change.
I’m going to be writing about it more soon with my own personal story of change / changing my mind / becoming different versions of myself in the semi-public eye, but my absolutely distilled down take on how we all feel about it when people change in a major way from what we knew or loved or trusted of them is this: it’s about us. Every single time.
It’s about how they/their story made us feel, how we felt about ourselves feeling that way about them, and how the change also makes us feel.
It is truly not about them.
It’s judgement in one way or another, of ourselves, ultimately and deeply.
It makes us feel “duped” or “stupid” or “naive” perhaps to have “followed” or “trusted.” Then it makes us question our own judgment, and our own decisions about our lives and how we also assess people to whom we may lookup or whom we place on pedestals
At the end of the day, people changing from strong positions or points of view they once held stirs up feelings in us that of course “have to do with them,” but ultimately don’t and aren’t their responsibility.
My one caveat here is that I do think it is valid and important and thoughtful of the “public” person who changes a firm stance in a pretty major way to provide context and any possible story behind it.
They need not “explain themselves,” as we are all allowed to - and are going to - change in many ways in our lives.
But, it says that they care that their choices impact others for them to take the time to share about it, knowing that their former choices also impacted others in big ways.
When I read Holly’s piece, I felt disappointment and then thought, “welp, that’s her life.” And it cannot be easy to only be known for sobriety. It’s precarious.