The letter I wrote to my best friend when she questioned her drinking
She said: I’m afraid I’m drinking too much. What did you do?
Below is something of a “found object” that I hope will be a welcome resource to those just barely beginning their journey and a friendly reminder to those further along.
I wrote this letter, according to Google Docs history, in July 2022, to a dear longtime friend of mine who was questioning her relationship with alcohol.
This is a data dump, to be sure, and, as noted is to be read as a “found object,” not a polished piece.
Also, it turns out I liked bullet points long before ChatGPT did. The other charming part of this piece is how the pricing for certain groups has aged (hint: poorly).
If you take nothing else, take this:
Anything that drew against my “sober resolve,” I just didn’t engage with -- like if I felt like I was burning myself out with the kids, the long-term effects of having a sober and present mom outweigh the harm of them watching Toy Story 1-4
Hi friend -- this got long quick. I have been working/learning all this stuff over like 2 years, so I hope I haven’t made this inaccessible:
The idea here isn’t that you have to quit forever. It’s to call your relationship with alcohol into question. There’s lots of “sober curious” stuff, or harm reduction stuff -- the below resources are primarily sobriety focused as in, complete abstinence (at least for a while -- the idea is you might decide you like it better, which seems kind of sneaky, but you can always go back to drinking)
Annie Grace’s 30 day alcohol experiment app is probably the best place to start. There are 20 minute videos or so and then questions to think about, both for your personal use of alcohol and how alcohol is seen in our culture (as opposed to say, heroin)
Drinking hard is often a symptom of another problem (low self worth, emotional issues, etc)
Once the alcohol is gone, you have to work on what was actually causing the drinking, and that’s the real bitch. But that’s also where the growth happens, and where you can find peace, joy, and happiness (or serenity, as the AA collective says)
One good thing about covid is AA meetings are all online now, so it’s not very intimidating to just pop on and join -- this is a women’s meeting that runs 24/7 since the start of covid - you can just pop on and listen for 10 minutes and leave if you’re curious
There is also something called PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) and this is really the body and brain healing from alcohol -- which is why it’s tough to quit, because it won’t feel good for your body or brain for a while. I personally thought the first 3 days were the toughest (the alcohol is still in your bloodstream/body for 10 days), but if you can make it to 30, you’ll start seeing big shifts, and after 90 everything will start to change (that said, I had really rough days right around 75-85, so that super sucks)
Alcohol blurred my reality in a way that I didn’t even realize. I never, ever would have thought I had low self esteem or low self worth, but then I kept saying, most people who truly love themselves don’t have to get blackout drunk on the daily....
Mind shifts
How the brain and body process alcohol
Annie Grace (30 day alcohol experiment)
Artificial dopamine hit that lights up your brain
Alcohol is both a stimulant and a depressant
Alcohol as ethanol -- ie. poison (you wouldn’t drink gasoline, would you)
Sober Powered podcast
Identify your triggers
Mine was literally like 4pm. I mean emotional stuff triggered me too but it was just what I did on a daily basis. People say their car drives itself to the store. That’s how I felt. SO. You have to find something else to do during that time to stop you from reaching for a drink (see the end of this)
Is alcohol a reward or something that “steals” joy from the next day
Internal shift -- alcohol does not make me “more Kristen,” it creates space/a confusing distance between who I really am and “drinking Kristen”
What am I running from?
What am I trying to escape?
Cultural shift (alcohol within our culture as a social event, a reward, a joke -- think of all the “wine mom” stuff, you gotta drink because you have kids, etc)
Realize your “why’s”
How does alcohol serve you?
What are the benefits?
What are the drawbacks?
The first drink sets into motion the next 10 (“it’s not the 6th train that’s going to get you, it’s the first”)
Neuropathways -- the path to drinking heavily has been “walked” thousands of times
Not what you are giving up, but what you are gaining
“Surrender” as a sweet surrender -- like, I no longer have to fight this battle
Books (sobriety focused):
AA is obviously the oldest kid on the block in terms of complete sobriety. The majority of the books below draw from the major principles of AA, although they are written like memoirs/supported by science of the brain/body, etc so they are a little bit easier to stomach than old-ass AA, but they do “echo” the sentiments of AA:
Quit Like a Woman, Holly Whitaker (I don’t love this one but it’s very popular -- very liberal, which is usually my style, but I think she takes it a little far and capitalizes on Trump and the patriarchy to make sales)
AA
Living Sober (cute little anecdotes about getting sober)
A Woman’s Way through the 12 Steps (Hazeldon, not AA)
Books on healing:
Wintering, Katherine May (not sobriety focused but about taking time to heal)
Daily Meditations
AA Daily Reflections (can find in 12 step toolkit below)
Language of Letting Go (Melody Beattie -- a book and an app, I have the app)
Apps
Annie Grace, 30 Day Alcohol Experiment (used to be free)
Reframe (something like $12/month)
I Am Sober (sober tracker app)
12 step toolkit
Insight Timer (meditations)
Calm (meditations -- also bedtime stories which the kids love, $10/mo?)
The Language of Letting Go (codependency meditations, like $7 or something)
Sobriety Groups
The Luckiest Club (used to be $14/mo, may be more now)
AA (local AA or Women's International Zoom marathon)
Sober Mom Squad ($40/mo)*****as a side note, I believe Sober Mom Squad merged with The Luckiest Club last month (April ‘25)
One Liners (I’ll keep adding to this)
Build a life you don’t want to escape from
Don’t drink, no matter what
Play the tape forward
How I got through the daily (in very early sobriety - your boundaries will shift as you grow in sobriety, I don’t really do any of this anymore):
Fake beer/wine (Athletic Brewing Company is the best)
Eating lots of sugar/whatever I wanted -- ANYTHING but alcohol
Taking it one day, one hour, one minute at a time
Letting the kids watch lots of TV -- giving myself permission to do ANYTHING except drink.
Anything that drew against my “sober resolve,” I just didn’t engage with -- like if I felt like I was burning myself out with the kids, the long-term effects of having a sober and present mom outweigh the harm of them watching Toy Story 1-4
Other shit I did:
EMDR to deal with traumatic child birth
Talk therapy (addiction focused)
Energy healing (this is what really worked -- releasing old patterns that no longer serve me -- I am learning how to do this and can totally do it if you want, it’s very woo woo but very powerful)
I love you and I’m proud of you for even thinking about this.
I don’t usually do a direct call for comments, but I would love to grow this list and hear from you:
What are resources you’ve used?
Did I miss any of your favorites?
What has helped you?